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February 2010

Dear Arielle and Brian:

I am ambivalent about having a soulmate because I love my “space” and I don’t want to give up my independence and wonderful life. My last marriage took me years to recover from. My husband was very controlling and smothering. How can I have both love and independence?



Dear Jenny,

Guess what? Not all men are smothering and controlling. In facts, zillions of men would just LOVE an independent woman like you!

One of the main reasons we so strongly believe in creating a “soulmate wish list” is for exactly this reason. You know better than anyone that type of person your heart desires and HOW you would prefer your relationship to be structured. Why is the list important? Think of it this way: When you are looking for a new job, you have a list of items you need this new job to provide in terms of income, tasks, commuting time, work environment, possibilities for promotions, etc.

When you go to the grocery store you bring a list of the items you need to stock your fridge and pantry with in order to feed your family. You also need a list to place your order for a soulmate with the Universe. On this list we suggest that you begin by asking for a partner that is “ready, willing, and available (very important!) for a long-term, committed, monogamous marriage (or “relationship” if you don’t care to be married).

Next, you want to be specific about geography if you plan to stay in your same city – you want to ask for someone who already lives in your area or is willing to move. Then, you can add in the most important traits and qualities you want them to possess including statements that may say things like “appreciates and enjoys my independence,” etc.

We encourage you to ask for what you REALLY want, even if that means you want a soumlate who is willing to live in separate homes or different cities. (Wasn’t it Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy who lived across the street from each other?)

So often people just “hope” that the perfect man or woman will magically appear and then they settle for the next person that shows up, even if that person isn’t a great match for them. To the best of your ability, be relaxed and lighthearted about your soulmate search. And, never doubt the Universe’s ability to deliver your true love or your own ability to discern what true love really means for you.

Jenny, remember that in Big Love you can have both love and independence.

Wishing you love, laughter, and magical kisses,
Arielle & Brian


Arielle Ford has spent the past 25 years living and promoting consciousness through all forms of media. She is one of the founding partners of the Spiritual Cinema Circle and the author of seven books including Hot Chocolate for the Mystical Soul. Her husband and soulmate Brian Hilliard is a business consultant with a lifelong interest in spirituality and the practice of compassion. They live in La Jolla, CA.

Disclaimer: Arielle Ford, Brian Hilliard, the Big Love column and its publishers assume no responsibility for any consequence relating directly or indirectly to any action or inaction you take based on the information, services or other material related to this column.